Beliefs and Values

Our beliefs and values create our viewpoint, our paradigm.

We are all creatures of habit which also means we are creatures of conditioning. Call it domestication or socialization or brainwashing or the traditions of our fathers, we all are products of our past and parenting. The good news is we didn't come into the world this way and, with God's help, we don't have to wander too long in the dark.

Beliefs are fueled by ideas. Ideas are very powerful. Ideas come in many packages including words. Therefore, words are powerful. The most powerful words are the words of God. In order for us to tap into this power, we must tap into the word of God. We must “live by every word “ (D & C 84:44) we must “feast upon the word.”And I give unto you a commandment, that ye shall forsake all evil and cleave unto all good, that ye shall live by every word which proceedeth forth out of the mouth of God. (D & C 98:11).

Using Alma Chapter 32, it is simple for us see how the process works and understand the importance of this fueling process. First comes the ideas or words. Second, they are planted in the central processing unit as beliefs. Third, if they are properly cultivated become our values, standards, & morals. If the words are truth, and they are nurtured with great care, they can become a greater light and grow brighter and brighter until the perfect day.

But the process can work the same way for darkness. We can plant bad ideas, images, events, that do not expand and become light and truth but can becomes fruits of darkness instead. By their fruits ye shall know them. (see 3 Nephi 14:16)

By now you have a bundle of bogus beliefs you are holding onto. The good news is beliefs are changeable. Even underlying beliefs we may not even realize we have. Beliefs that we may have held onto for a long time. Beliefs that we may not be aware where they even came from—even these beliefs are changeable.

If beliefs are changeable then behavior is changeable. We can even change habits and dispositions that seem firmly fixed in our personality and very nature. With correct ideas we can change the underlying beliefs that determine our behavior. Not matter what you believed before, people can change!

While beliefs are changeable truth is not . Truth is the same yesterday, today and forever, for truth is from God and God is the same yesterday, today, and forever, (Mormon 9:9). God is not a changeable being. (Moro. 8:18) If we search for and obtain truth, truth that isn’t changeable, and we trust in a God, the source of all truth, in whom there is not shadow of turning, (James 1:17) we can build our beliefs on a solid foundation of light and truth. These beliefs then become anchors. They become the values, standards, morals, and true principles we can rely on. We may need to do some serious spring cleaning to remove the faulty beliefs that are leftover from our previously held perceptions. We may need to make a major shift of mindset.

Some would argue that behavior is shaped by more than just thoughts and beliefs. What about experiences? Experiences like pain, hunger, sickness death, war, terror. These are real events and experiences that have real impact on our lives. Perhaps using the word belief overstates the obvious: it isn’t the event that necessarily shapes the soul, its how we react to it.

Consider this scripture that you are probably familiar with, from the Book of Mormon.

But behold, because of the exceedingly great length of the war between the Nephites and the Lamanites many had become hardened, because of the exceedingly great length of the war; and many were softened because of their afflictions, insomuch that they did humble themselves before God, even in the depth of humility. (Alma 62:41),

Same war, two different interpretations. Same length of time, two different responses. The reaction is a response, an interpretation, it really is a belief.

The burdens we carry are like tailings of radioactive waste. They are slivers to the soul that fester with infection. They become the landmines in a marriage, that at some point are set off and obliterate love. Like tooth decay, they grow slowly and unsuspectingly. These hidden wedges are obsessions, compulsions, repressions, and addictions. They are fear, doubt, resent. shame, jealousy, and hate. They are buried beneath layers of sugar coated cover up, denial, defensiveness, silent treatment, and even rage, for rage is often an adult temper tantrum of distraction to avoid exposing the hidden truth. They are both conscious and subconscious. But they are there, affecting our mind and heart, and even our physical body, for issues are in the tissues. Isn’t it time to let go? Cast your burden on the Lord for his yoke is easy and his burden is light.

Is Marriage Doomed?

In the 25 years since I returned home from my mission, I watched too many of the closest people in my life experienced the devastation of divorce. Two were life long childhood friends, two were close missionary companions who I stayed in contact with after my mission. Two included my own brother and a brother in law. Another two were my Aunt and her daughter. And two more were in my ward, one was my home teacher and the other was someone who I was assigned to home teach.

Think of all the people who you know personally, whose lives have been decimated by divorce. Of course divorce didn’t cause the marriage malfunction. Divorce was the result of an apparently irreparably broken marriage. But in my own situation, many of my close friends and family members may have been a part of the cause of the divorce, but deep down inside they didn’t really want a divorce.

I too understand, in a painful and personal way, the problems with marriage malfunctions. After 18 years of marriage, my marriage is headed towards divorce.

If you have gone through a divorce, or have faced the prospects of a divorce, or maybe you are currently dealing with major problems in your marriage, I can empathize with many whose marriages are headed towards a catastrophic end.

Is marriage doomed?

Here are some important statistics to consider:

According to the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology

50% percent of first marriages end in divorce.

67% of second marriages end in divorce.

74% of third marriages end in divorce.

Here is another interesting statistic:

In the United States, at least 66 percent of all divorced couples are childless.

The annual divorce rate in Utah is 7.94 percent, or 77,291 divorced men.

Here is another statistic. It's a startling number: 1 in 4 women surveyed by the government say they were violently attacked by their husbands or boyfriends.

One last statistic: 67 percent of Americans "remain overwhelmingly optimistic about the institution of marriage and the family." While 39 percent say that marriage is becoming obsolete.

So why are so many marriages failing? Why are so many couples resorting to divorce to solve their problems?

There are hundreds of reasons why people get a divorce. Because every one is unique and faces a set of unique challenges it is almost impossible to come up with a list that fits every couples situation. And there are surfaces reasons for a divorce, and deeper reasons often below the surface.

Some of the reasons for divorce are as follows:

Expectation Problems

Communication Problems

Money: financial problems

Sex

Infidelity

Emotional affairs

Childless

Child rearing

In-laws or other family problems

Addictions

Pornography

False ideas from romance novels

Mental Instability or Mental Illness

Controlling Behavior

Childhood hang-ups

Sexually abused as a child

Homosexuality

Abuse: Physical abuse, Verbal abuse, Sexual abuse Emotional abuse of spouse

Overwhelmed with life’s challenges

Friends

Internet relationships

Birth Order

Inability to resolve conflict

Time Investment

Lack of Commitment

Differences in career goals

Hobbies

Lifestyle differences

But most of these are the surface issues. And with surface issues it is easy to point fingers and blame your spouse for the problems. It is also easy to build up a wall of resent because of the past problems. Perhaps the deeper problems are personal problems to you. Consider these reasons for divorce:

You let pride get in the way.

You have sins you are hiding and need to repent of.

You always have to be right.

You’re dishonest.

You are selfish.

You don’t respect your partner.

You don’t like or respect yourself.

You don’t do what you say you are going to do.

You have temper problems you can’t control.

You have emotional problems you don’t recognize or won’t admit to.

You are disenchanted with your spouse.

You’re disappointed in your spouse.

The key word in this list is You. You need to be the one to change. You need to face your faults and start the process of changing. Instead of looking for a better person, be a better person.

It may not save your marriage but it's really the first place to start.

So how do I fix me?

Problems in a marriage are usually the result of behavior problems. Look at the lists. Notice how many of the issues are tied to the way you think and the way you act.

The way you think and the way you act are governed by belief. More often than not belief governs behavior. In fact divorce is based on beliefs. Beliefs that the marriage can’t be saved. Beliefs that the bad things in the marriage outweigh the good.

The way a man interacts and relates to a woman is based on his mindset not hers. He believes he knows what he wants and knows what a woman wants and those beliefs govern his behavior.

The ideal relationship is based on mutual attraction, mutual beliefs, and cooperation, not on misinformed ideas and beliefs. Because mindset governs motives and manners, the correct information is the key. The foundation of a marriage must be based on the same core anchors. Without the same core values, standards, beliefs, and desires, the chances of a marriage failing is almost certain.

Random Thoughts

Every author writes from his or her own viewpoint, and although he or she may try to be objective, it is hard not to have a bias. We are all writers. We write our own story. We write from our point of view. But truth is objective. The more we stretch ourselves to see beyond our subjective lenses, the more we see the truth and the more truth we receive. If we stay on that path, eventually, truth can set us free.

The more we recognize the subjectivity of our own observations the more we open ourselves up to the possibility of a knowledge of truth.

Don't confuse being smothered by someone else as being smothered by a thick mist of darkness. Often we blame others for our own ignorance. Too often the choke hold is not oppression by another person but the cloud of distorted perceptions that hangs over us. Emancipation from the bondage of sin and ignorance is completely up to us no matter how much we think others are stepping on our toes.

When we think of addictions we normally think of substances, but what about people? What about relationships? Think of the wicked mother in last year's Disney movie Tangled. Her need for Rapunzel was beyond normal for Rapunzel held the key to youth. so she supposed. And that key to youth, she supposed, was the key to happiness. Rapunzels fake mom was addicted. She was dependent, for that is the word for it. She thought happiness came from other people. And Rapunzel, was also dependent for she was under a spell: the spell of ignorance and did not know that she was not a daughter of a peasant, but really was a princess. We don't need to end relationships to end the behaviors that entangle us, we just need to break free without breaking up. But we have to recognize the emotional addictions for what they are and see when we are dependent.


Purging yards of trees seemed a sad and unnecessary waste until we consider who the Gardner really is. When hearts are purified and cleansed, in a similar way, we realize that sometimes we even have to sacrifice favorite things in order to be truly born again.

Years ago,when the wind blew at nights, my grandfather couldn't sleep. He knew that,in the morning, he would face damage,on his farm, as the result of fierce canyon winds. My grandpa used to always tell me, "The wind bringeth no good thing."

Last thursday night I couldn't sleep. I thought of my grandfather as hurricane force winds crashed down on my neighborhood. When the terrible wind storm passed, I drove around the neighborhood and viewed the aftermath of this violent storm. House after house had lost trees, or fences, or shingles.

My house was miraculously spared. I lost one little shingle. But so many of my neighbors and ward members weren't so lucky.

There were some good things that came out of the storm. I came to appreciate the unsung heros, the brave men and women who did their job and fought bitter cold winds to restore my power.

In addition to power company employees, many of my ward members and neighbors went out of their way to help others in the wake of the storm. It is said that disasters bring out the worst in people, and while looting may happen in some parts, over past few days, the acts of kindness and service from my neighbors and ward members for other neighbors and ward members was a wonderful example of selflessness.

Today Stake leaders announced that church meetings would be cut short so members could return to their homes and then spend time helping neighbors with preparations for another wind storm. Today we will trade suits for work clothes and give service instead of lessons.

For all those who lost trees or who will lose trees tonight, Jacob 5 is on point. And the Lord of the vineyard caused that it should be digged about, and pruned, and nourished, saying unto his servant: It grieveth me that I should lose this tree; wherefore, that perhaps I might preserve the roots thereof that they perish not, that I might preserve them unto myself, I have done this thing. Wherefore, go thy way; watch the tree, and nourish it, according to my word.

Pine trees in Utah need a slow and steady supply of water for several days in order for the roots to go deeper. Like our own lives, our branches often prosper, while our roots remain shallow. Then big storms of life blow and trees without deep roots crash down. We can blame the storm, Perhaps the roots are just as much to blame. As we prepare for the next storm, let's not forget to nourish the roots. A small and steady stream of truth can save a soul.

Today my Facebook status reads: The secret to life is out by now and a few people finally get it. Life is what happens to you when you are making other plans. We are all taught from our youth that life is going to be this story book adventure and then, in the end, so many of us get eaten by the dragons we are supposed to be slaying. The thing is this: I will always believe in the ideal. That is what I will teach my children. Reach for Disneyland even if Lagoon is all you get. Its better to reach and believe than to wander and waste your life away. I think that we all need to believe in something. Believe we are going to win. Believe we are going to get that job, that raise, that promotion. Believe we are going to find happiness in marriage, children. Believe that we have self worth, even if society wants to short change or steal it away from us. Believe that life hasn't been wasted even if we got off the road a time or two.

Facebook sheds some light on the lives of so many people we know or knew. It is like a panoramic view of their lives. We saw who they were and who they have become. What a viewpoint! But look at all the people whose lives are far different from what we expected or what they expected. When the last chapter of our lives is written it will really be measured by God's perfect plan and what he expected from us.


This song was on this mornings Music & the Spoken Word:

Come, thou Fount of every blessing,
tune my heart to sing thy grace;
streams of mercy, never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
mount of thy redeeming love.

Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
hither by thy help I'm come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood.

O to grace how great a debtor
daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

Birthday Blessings

I guess if there was a perfect day to count your blessings, your birthday would be close to the top. Today marks the 46 time I have celebrated my birthday. I would have to say it turned out to be a wonderful day.

It was wonderful because I took some time to reflect on my life and all that God has really blessed me with. It wasn't hard identifying the extraordinary ways that the hand of God has been seen and felt in my life. So many things to be thankful for and so many people who have enriched my life. And all the birthday wishes on Facebook helped make the day one of the very best birthdays I can remember.

Tonight I went with my daughters to a big stake celebration. The outdoor carnival event, entitled, So Great A Cause, was the culmination of a stake summer project. Although I may not have had an impact on this event, the festivities and the moments leading up to this celebration, made an incredible impact on me. When they open the time capsule, hopefully on my birthday, years from now, I hope that the measure of my life will reflect my continued devotion to my Savior and my little family.

Today was worth celebrating!

Perfect Kelly

I don't know who "Perfect Kelly" is. I don't think I would be able to relate to him. I don't think I could measure up to him. I think I like Less-than-Perfect Kelly better. He is trying to be the type that doesn't worry about what other people think, doesn't easily take offense, doesn't hid weaknesses behind pride or perceived strengths. Doesn't take things personal or jumps to conclusions or makes assumptions. I am trying to change my character from the inside out even if no one ever notices it.

This week, at the gym, I ran into Richard Chidester, PhD. He is a well known LDS individual, marriage, and family therapist. I told him that I had started or joined a couple of mens groups. He echoed my concern about the collapse going on in our society, especially in the family, and encouraged me in my efforts.

Also this week, a business acquaintance of mine sent me a video clip of Steve Jobs talking about people with passion. Jobs said it best when he said,"People with passion can change the world for the better. . . Those people that are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who actually do it."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmG9jzCHtSQ

Although I believe I am a person with passion, Less-than-perfect Kelly is probably not crazy enough to think he can change the world for the better.

But he's gonna try.

60 Days

Last night I watched a movie that really made me think. And since it has been 60 days since I last posted something here, I thought I would share a few ideas.

The movie I watched was "Adjustment Bureau" Someone said it was based on a true story:)

The movie reconnected me with the importance and the personal power of agency. It reinforced the idea that we have agency to the extent we use it properly. Perhaps we could adopt the following motto: Choose the right or lose the right. Said differently, choose God or paint yourself into a corner. Too many people give up their agency and let life happen instead of making it happen.

Recently I read a Facebook status that said "Life is short: live your dream and wear your passion." That might be true for that person, but for me the concept of life is eternal and this part of life wasn't meant to be a life of ease, pleasure, and fun. This is a false notion based on a myth. Life is really about tasting the bitter to prize the good. Life is about facing challenges and finding opportunities. The next time someone tells you to eat, drink, and be merry, tell them to sacrifice, serve and be grateful, therein lies the true source of real joy.

But the movie Adjustment Bureau also shed light on a deeper principle than just agency. It wrestled with the concept of Divine Providence. How much does God participate in our daily lives? Maybe the answer is: as much as we let Him. Divine intervention doesn't take away from agency, it actually created it. Without the great gift of Gethsemane the great gift of agency would have been frustrated. In a sense, free will would have been a curse not a blessing.

Agency requires training. No one learned how to play football from a book. Life requires training and practice and wise instruction.

Life and agency also require reasonable restrictions. We need goals, but we also need limitations. Right and wrong still exist. God still has placed restrictions on us. Limitations don't bind, they really set us free.

Here is one of my goals: Never be too tired to listen to a child.

Here is one of my limitations: Don't ever lie. No more dishonesty.

Here is one of my goals: Learn to laugh at my problems. (I have a lot to laugh about)

The list of goals and limitations could go on and on.

I realized, last night, while watching the Adjustment Bureau, my life still has so much room for adjustments.

90 Days

It's been 90 days. Technically its has been 19 months, but the biggest blow came 90 days ago.

I never claimed to be a good father or husband. I am new to these roles and responsibilities. And although I messed up a lot of things in my life, I know I have received tender mercies and blessings along the way.

For the past three months I have spent more time in the temple than I have in the past 18 years combined. I have also spent more time on my knees.

For those who know me and my deep problems, I quietly face each day with a humble heart and a grateful heart. I am so grateful to have every additional day to try to make things better. My only desire is that every member of my family find the happiness that God has in store for them.

I have a little notebook that my daughter Makall decorated with duct tape. Each day I try to write down promptings from the Spirit on what I need to know or do to improve my life. For the past 90 days I have been blessed with insight and instruction, most of which has been constructive criticism on things I need to do to change. It has been very hard to admit and own my problems and weaknesses. Looking in the mirror has often been painful. I have watched myself as the star of my own horror movie. But refinement and polishing doesn't come easy and certainly doesn't come without some discomfort and pain.

I don't know what the next 90 days will bring, or the next 19 months, or the next 18 years for that matter. What I do know is that God has never stopped loving my little family.

Here's to the past 90 days and here's to a better future!