The Great Gift

Just a few days before Christmas, as I was rushing into a local grocery store to buy last minute food items, I saw and heard a bell ringer in front of the store.  Sometimes, when I have loose change in my pocket, I dump my loose change in the red kettle as I am entering or leaving the store.  On days when I have no change, I simply try to avoid and ignore the bell ringer.

On this particular day, however, I had only one single dollar bill.  I recognized the boy: I had passed this same boy several times, over the past few days, and I was trying to remember if I had already given him my change, or if I had not.  But I reached into my pocket and grabbed the dollar bill anyway and, as I was about to put the money in the little, red kettle, the boy turned away from me towards another patron and her daughter.  My dollar bill made no conspicuous rattle in the kettle as it dropped through the slot. The bell ringer didn't see me put the dollar in and certainly didn't hear it make a sound.  I had made an anonymous donation.

When I came out of the store the boy rang his bell again and greeted me, he then looked longing at me, hoping for a donation.  I said nothing and took my bags to the car.

For some reason, the whole thing was a bit perplexing.  Did I want him to know I had donated?  Was I disappointed he hadn't noticed that I had?

Earlier in the week, my daughter, Macee, and I delivered yummy treats to neighbors. While this is often a tradition in many neighborhoods, this year Macee and I dressed it up a bit.  In fact, we did just that: we dressed up! Macee was dressed in a green elf suit, complete with elf shoes and an elf cap. And I was Santa, in a red Santa suit with all the accoutrements and trappings.  

We rang each doorbell, but not everyone was home.  So when no one was home, we simply left the treat on the doorstep.  On each loaf, our last name was on a gift tag, along with invitations to our ward party and to our Christmas Sunday church service.

On the day after Christmas, I posted my Twas the Day After Christmas poem again on Facebook. It is a satirical poem about Santa taking gifts back. But, as I read the poem again, I saw gift giving from a different perspective.

Even when we give gifts, we sometimes try to make it all about us.

Once there was a boy who happened upon a secret stash of Christmas gifts, one of which was a toy he wanted and was hoping for Christmas. On Christmas Day, he opened his gifts and the toy he thought he was getting was nowhere in sight. He said nothing to his parents, but the empty feeling he had inside haunted him for years. Until finally, one day, years later, he asked his mother about the gift and why he had not received it. His mother simply replied, "you ruined the surprise so I took it back."

The irony in this story isn't about the boy at all. Yes, the boy had ruined the Christmas surprise, and he paid a dear price for it. But was the surprise for the boy or for the parent? Was the gift about the boy, or about the parent? If the gift had been genuinely given, would it really have mattered if the element of surprise was lost? Perhaps the fun of a surprise is as much for a parent as it is for a child, but when we give with strings attached, or in this case, with conditions attached, we give expecting something back.

We all give gifts, but for some, it is giving to gain something in return. Sometimes this is called giving to get. And, although it sounds like a type of gift exchange, giving to get isn't necessarily about gifts at all. Giving to get is expecting something in return for what is given.

Someone once said "if we give love and expect something in return we are doing business instead of kindness.  Change that as it might apply at Christmas:  "If we give gifts and expect something in return, we are doing business instead of Christmas."

Too often we give only the gifts we want to give for  Christmas, only to wonder why they are so poorly received. This often ruins any goodness in the gift giving experience because we somehow assume that the receiver does not appreciate the gift. 

But appreciation goes both ways. We should appreciate what the receiver really wants and needs in life, which often takes time and a sensitive heart. To appreciate more and expect less is a trait that would benefit both the giver, as well as, the receiver, and love would flow more freely, which, in reality, is the greatest gift.

Giving to others, out of the goodness of our hearts, is what really matters. Sadly, there will be times we fail to thank someone for a gift we have been given. And, there will be times when we give a gift and that gift isn't appreciated or, even worse, rejected. But how we react to the response to our gift, sheds light on our true intentions. And sometimes we simply give anonymous gifts.

Just as we can't buy love, or praise, or acceptance, if we base our giving on how well we impress others, or the thanks we expect to receive, or the praise or acknowledgment we are hoping to obtain, we will probably feel empty when all the gifts have been opened. 

The great secret about Christmas is that it is better to give than to receive.  But, this Christmas, I learned, perhaps the best gift we can give to others, and to ourselves, is to give without any expectations in return.

And why not, the greatest gift ever given was quietly done alone, while those who were with him slept.  The greatest gift was given out of love, not attention.  Even amidst all the agony in the garden of Gethsemane, I know that it was Christ’s love for us that made it all possible.

He loved us so much He did not to turn from the bitter cup.

He loved us so much He bled from every poor.

He tread the wine presses alone. For He was left all alone, as even the God in Heaven withdrew.

He is more than just the reason for the season, He is the answer to life. Christ is the answer to life's uncertainties. He is the rock of relief from all that torments us. He has the framework for our greatest happiness and peace. He is the King of all kings and Savior of all men. He is the Great Gift.

People & Things

Someone once said " In order to change you have to change the voices in your head"

That statement was the first line in a preview for a movie, a movie I found I could stream, directly over the internet, to a TV in my bedroom. Incidentally, I didn't watch the movie, but the opening line got me thinking. What do we change? What do we need to change?

There are many things we routinely change. Just that same week my wife decided to change the regular sheets on our bed to flannel sheets because of the drop in winter temperatures. I also changed the tires on my car from regular tires to snow tires. And just in time: within only two days of the first big snowstorm!

Other important things to routinely change are the batteries in smoke detectors, flashlights, and carbon monoxide detectors. I learned about the importance of changing batteries during that same cold week in November. On one of those cold days, in our basement, the alarm in the carbon monoxide detector went off. Not certain if it was just the battery or if we had a dangerous CO leak, we not only changed the battery in the detector, but we purchased a more reliable CO sensor and immediately installed it in the basement.

In the end, it was just a false alarm. There was no deadly carbon monoxide in my basement, but how important was a little thing like a battery or a seemingly unimportant thing like a carbon monoxide detector? Little things, like smoke detectors and seat belts, become big things when emergencies happen. These little things are the things that save lives.

Before the week was over I found I was changing a few more things. The microwave, in my kitchen, went out and my stepkids father, Matt, helped me switch out the old one for a new one. The microwave had to be attached to the wall and cupboards so it took some time to make that change. And after it was finished, I realized it was crooked and I would need to alter and change the position of the microwave, again, so that it would be level.

A few days later my wife noticed that the hot water heater was leaking and would need to be replaced. This would require more time, work and heavy lifting, because unlike the CO detector, or the microwave, the water heater would be a bigger task.

More often than not, however, when we think of change, we think of extreme changes. Sometimes changes in the weather can seem extreme, but usually, they are only temporary and change again within a short period of time. But some storms or earthquakes are deadly and their wrath can change things permanently.

We all have all types of seismic shifts in our lives. These extreme jolts do devastate and disrupt our lives, often displacing us and changing our circumstances. Extremes like war, crime, downsizing, debt, bankruptcy, divorce, disease, and death, leave pain and immense sorrow in their wake. They may alter our lives, but they may not alter our perspective. We assume that the major jolts in our lives will change us. Extremes can do a lot to us but what do they do for us?

What these extremes do to us is not as important as what they do for us, for out of every negative situation can come positive possibilities, no matter how horrible and devastating the situation may be. What we experience has the capacity to change us, if we discover something or learn something from it. Devastating moments can become defining moments in our lives if we let them. More often than not, the change isn't a change in circumstances, it is a change in our hearts.

I am grateful for alarms and warning signs that can also help prevent devastation in the first place. What if there had been CO in my basement? At first, when the alarm went off, we couldn't find the sensor. My wife checked all the fire alarms and replaced all of the batteries, but the alarm still sounded. Finally, she found the CO sensor, changed the battery, but it did not silence the alarm. During that time I searched the internet for information about carbon monoxide.

From the internet, I discovered that carbon monoxide(CO) is a colorless, odorless, and tasteless gas that is deadly poisonous. It is sometimes called the "silent killer" because, although lethal, it is hard to detect. CO affects the blood stream preventing hemoglobin from carrying oxygen to organs and tissues. It is the product of incomplete combustion of fuels, such as gasoline, propane, natural gas, oil or wood. Where there is fire, there is carbon monoxide.

The issue isn't just detecting the deadly gas, but also finding the real causes of CO poisoning. Often it is the result of a leak. The leak could be from a fuel burning appliance malfunctioning or improperly installed. Furnaces, gas range/stove, gas clothes dryer, water heater, portable fuel-burning space heaters, fireplaces, generators and wood burning stoves, all have the potential to emit harmful levels of carbon monoxide. The poisoning could also be from poor ventilation, like vehicles left running in closed garages.

It is shocking that such a small particulate could have such large effect and deadly outcome.

The CO detector experience reminded me that the purpose or end result of the carbon monoxide alarm system wasn't necessarily to point blame at certain appliances, but to save people's lives.

Earlier in the month, the following inspiration from the Spirit came into my mind: "Things are never more important than people. People are more important than things." As I read, and reread the above statement, I wondered if this idea could be absolutely true. Never seemed like such a strong word to use in this sentence. Was it possible that there was some "thing" more important than people? What about all the important things I had changed that save lives: snow tires, CO detectors, even batteries?

But, in the end, I was reminded, again, that the ultimate purpose was to save people: the people I love.

The Grease Fire

I like grilling. It is my favorite way to cook. I love a good steak, grilled to perfection, on my backyard grill.

As a boy, my grandfather raised cattle and every year he would divide the meat, from one of the steers, with our family. I can remember having steak every Saturday night and a roast every Sunday. In the winter, my mom would grill our steaks on an indoor little grill we called the Farberware. As an adult, I bought the same little grill and used it often. Later, I bought a unique indoor grill that looked like a waffle maker.

Each of my grills had an important feature that I had completely forgotten, until last Sunday.

Early Sunday morning I decided to use my Crockpot instead of my outdoor grill because I had an odd piece of meat that was somewhere between a roast and a steak and I just didn't know if grilling would work. It was too flat to be a roast but too thick to be a steak , so I decided to slow cook the beef while I was at church. After 5 hours, the beef shredded easily, and the bones came out effortlessly. I had a meeting right after church so I grabbed a container from the cupboard and put the meat away in the fridge.

When I came back, a few hours later, to my surprise there was a thick white substance surrounding my shredded beef. It was an oily sludge and I quickly realized that the grease had separated from the beef and had turned solid when it had cooled. I had forgotten to drain the grease. I had forgotten that the grease drained easily, in the past, from the barbecue, Farberware and George Forman grill.

But instead of draining the meat, I microwaved it and the white film seemed to disappear. I scooped some meat up and put it on my sandwich. My daughter, Macee, decided to make a sandwich with the shredded beef for school the next day and prepared her sandwich and stored it in the refrigerator. When Macee went to eat her sandwich, to her horror, the sandwich was riddled with little pieces of white fat, mixed so badly with the meat that she had to throw the sandwich away. The waste product of fat had ruined her sandwich.

There is a similar substance in our lives that is so awful that destroys families. It is very real and often so pervasive that you can feel it and almost touch it, yet it is so evasive, it is practically invisible. This substance is an oil and grease that fuels the fire of feuds. It fuels animosity and hate. Yet so many deny that it exists, or ever worse, deny that they feed off of it.

It is the "why" of the storm. And the radioactive fallout that is generated from the backlash and backdraft can linger and fester for ages, often the way radioactive waste persists.

Because this substance is so hard to label, some have called it "drama", some call it "toxic," while others simply are at a loss for what to call the fuel that fuels pride and lust and greed and anger and resent and revenge and jealousy and hate and shame and fear and, yes, even denial.

The scriptures call it "the Spirit of Contention". It is a very real and thick darkness. I think the use of the word "spirit" is descriptive for a reason. Perhaps the phrase 'the Spirit of Contention, like a grease fire, is burning" amplifies just how engulfing and dangerous the white sludge of contention really is. And like the hot temperature of the meat, when we are hot with anger, resentment, jealousy or hate, we lose sight of the greasy fat because it is absorbed into our behavior. Not until we cool down and the Spirit of the Lord returns, could we ever realize just how much damaged is caused by contention.

Fat has no nutrients, it's flavor is deceiving, it clogs arteries, and has little redeeming qualities. Contention has no redeeming qualities. Like all oils, contention is a fuel that burns when the fire is stoked with contention. Like many oils, it can be a liquid, solid, or gas. I have often described this gas as being like a winter inversion: a fog that suffocates everything. And like all gasses, it is extremely flammable.

Anger will affect all of us. No one is immune from getting upset. But it is the unchecked anger, the inflamed rage and anger, fueled by contention, that will destroy us.

The secret is to separate the grease.

Draining the grease before it becomes a grease fire requires that we admit that it exists. And throwing liquid on the grease problem only makes it worse. The liquid of logic spreads the grease fire--it can never extinguish it. We can think we are right, but that thinking only exacerbates the problem.


Just as we should separate the sin from the sinner, we should separate the problem from the person and the issue from the individual.

Sometimes being right complicates the situation.

But does being right mean that it is ever right to punch or shove or hurt someone?

Does being right mean it is alright to mentally or emotionally abuse someone?

Just because you are right, is it right to yell?

Because you are right is it ever right to use the vilest of all words and swear?

If you are right, are you then right to defame, slander, or mock another person?

Does being right ever make jabs and insults alright?

The truth is, being right never makes it right to be hurtful, hateful, or contentious.

Retaliation is never reconciliation.

Whatever you choose to call the toxic substance, the only way that the radioactivity can be eliminated is when we recognize the fuel for what it is, and replace it with the only thing that can remove it.

The answer to the drama is also a substance. It fuels reconciliation and restitution. And when restitution doesn't seem possible, this fuel begins with sincere apologies, heartfelt forgiveness, loving kindness, honesty, mutual respect, and mostly love.

Without the fuel of love, there can be no clear or lasting remedy.

While our words will condemn us, the soft spoken loving words of a meek and contrite heart will do more to begin a process of healing, than anything else. 

It starts in the heart and it starts first within us. We can let go of the resentment. We can forgive. 

We can restore the feelings of love if we, first, eliminate the contention.

Going Viral

I have changed the following phrase a bit, but I think it is fitting and absolutely true:

It is not who you know, or what you know, it is who knows you.

Just as a person can be rich with wealth, a person can also be a rich source of knowledge and information. Just as a person can be rich with information, he also can be rich with contacts and connections.

These three, money, knowledge, and fame, are powerful tools in the business world.

But if you are poor, like I am, how do you increase your income, information, and influence?

My brother David nailed in on the head the other day when he said, "It is all about promotion"  "I am good at promoting." he said, and I believe that he is.

In today's world promoting is everything. And, if David is even half right, being at the cutting edge of promotion is the first vital step in achieve the best "who knows you" leverage in the world.

There is a word I want you to learn, from the very beginning, that is simply the key to how you approach the subject of promoting. This powerful word should be a part of your daily mantra.  The word is finesse.  One definition of finesse is this: to do something in a subtle or delicate manner.

In a lot of ways finesse is like dancing: It is the agile and gracefully working of the room or dance floor, naturally avoiding stepping on toes or bumping into people.  If you are socially awkward , like I am, in the first place, then your dance moves will look fake or forced, and you will, more than likely, bump into someone or step on someone with something you say or do.

You really only have two choices then. The two choices are the difference between success and failure.  You can avoid dancing, altogether, or you can acquire the necessary dance steps, by learning and practicing. At some point, with consistent effort, you will be able to, effortlessly, move about the dance floor, with finesse, and gain the necessary income, information, and influence to succeed.

Being famous is not always a good thing. Think of all the famous serial killers, or corrupt politicians, or even local people who get their names in the paper or on the news because of sexual assault. Negative headlines are still headlines, and anyone can make the news, but there are certainly negative ways to go about it.

Next to finesse, then, there is another equally important word you need to understand, right off the bat.  That word is reputation. I believe that your reputation not only precedes you, sometimes it exceeds you. And if you have no reputation whatsoever, right now, then there is never a better time to guard it with your life.

Your reputation is like your social credit score. Build on it, don't tarnish it, and it will be a most powerful tool in helping you reach long term success.

If there is one thing we have learned from the most recent presidential race is that a person who has never held a political office, can rise to prominence, above every other Republican running for office, because he can get the attention of the media and the American public, by making outrageous statements that are covered, for free, by all the major news outlets. The Trump Exception to the reputation rule is that he gets the attention because he behaves in such a way to get the attention.

I am not suggesting that we behave with bizarre behavior, but what I am suggesting is that promoting requires promoting oneself as much as promoting a product or a service, or in Donald's case, a candidate.

Imagine there is a sliding scale between a poor way of promoting and an excellent way of promoting.  Perhaps the scale can be broken down in four sections


Poor    Fair  Good     Excellent

In the poor category, you with find what I call the 3 Bs of Bad Behavior. You find these 3 Bs all over Facebook.  These three are the poorest way to promote and get people's attention. We can all fall victim to them on Facebook. They are the worst ways to promote self.  They are Bashing, Begging, and Bragging.

You have seen the nature of these kinds of posts. Those who bash others seem to think by making someone else look bad it, in some way, boosts their own value. Exactly the opposite occurs.  Those who bash their former employers, their EX's or even Trump or Clinton, may get some attention, but it is still a poor way to promote anything positive.

Then there are the beggars whose posts seem to always be about pleas for help or money or suggestions or advice, or pretty much anything that the needy person needs.  We unfollow and even unfriend those who spend too much time begging.  It may not be as bad as bashing, but it certainly is a close second. 

Not too far upscale from bashing and begging, one finds bragging in the form of pictures as well as words.  Think of the friends you have who rarely post on Facebook, but when they do, it is always about some great accomplishment or some exotic place they have been.  As someone who has been to a number of nice places, I hope that any pictures or posts I have submitted are balanced with numbers of other worthwhile submissions. Perhaps it is the pattern of behavior of bashing and begging and bragging, not a specific post, that makes these poor forms of promotion such a turn off.

Moving further up the scale you find a fair amount of straight up selling going on. They aren't embarrassed to do it, and it isn't hidden in fake friendships or elaborate ulterior motives. Quite simply people have things to offer and without some selling, people wouldn't buy.  But like a door to door salesman, we can shut the door, anytime, say no thanks, and walk away.

A good category, if not a better category than simply selling something is creating a reciprocal relationship. One reason I hated selling as part of my title company business is that I was always asking for business and taking business instead of returning the favor in any way.  Unlike the realtor who can send work to the mortgage company, or the mortgage company, who could refer work back to the realtor, the title company, acting more like a pharmaceutical rep than a business to business generator, practically begs for work. This isn't a powerful position to be in.  In fact, it almost felt third wheel at times. A good way to earn business is to send business the other way, not just expect business to be offered to you.

And it isn't just business we reciprocate. Reciprocation can include information. We reciprocate when we educate and provide needed information. We also reciprocate when we show appreciation for a job well done.

Most reciprocal relationships are also ongoing business to business relationships. Long term partnerships that have established a certain loyalty is rare in the competitive business world of today.

As powerful as reciprocity is, there is still an even more powerful way to promote an individual or a business.  It is only a recent discovery, but it is in an excellent category all its own.  In the music industry it used to be known as "going platinum". Platinum because that was the standard and level of achievement for how many records were sold. The standard was once gold--a gold album. But when the records surpassed a gold level, the platinum level was born.

Today we use the phrase "going viral". When a post or an app or a pic or a tweet or video recording goes viral, it is because it has multiplied and multiplied until it has reached an unbelievable amount of traction, usually in the millions or hundreds of millions, and usually in only a short period of time.

In short, when something goes viral it usually sells itself without much effort from the original promoter.

While it is almost impossible to say what will take off and go viral, and even more difficult to cause something to go viral, it is vital to see it as a standard to shoot for, if not the starting point of a desired outcome.

Take Off & Landing

Recently a friend of mine posted the shortest take off and landing of a single engine airplane. It was footage from a competition and the winner had won four times in a row. Within a matter of seconds and, after going just a few feet, the plane was off the ground.

And the landing was just as spectacular! Normally most planes need a long runway for a take off or landing but this plane glided down slowly and, like a sky diver attached to a parachute, the pilot landed his small plane, almost on a dime.

If i hadn't seen it I would not have believed it and, I also consider my friend, who posted the video clip, somewhat of an expert: he sells airplanes for a living.

So many factors are involved in aerodynamics: speed, weight, wind, and torque or force, to name a few. Think of all the old footage you have seen of the Wright Brothers or others who tried and failed at getting airborne.

Once Orville and Wilber Wright mastered the right formula, others were able to replicate it and now planes and jets are flying all over the world.

There is another frontier where I believe many different types of Wright Brothers have been attempting to launch something, and they are still trying to determine the formula of getting something off the ground.

I first met some of these early pioneers of flight when I attended, and eventually hosted, a weekly employment meeting. Each week unemployed men and women would gather to network. They would introduce themselves, explain the type of employment they were looking for, and trade information with others.

In a similar type of meeting, held at a different time of the week, entrepreneurs would get together and network about business ideas and businesses they were trying to launch. They even called their group the Entrepreneur Launchpad.

In addition to these two groups, I've attended chamber of commerce meetings and other business to business events. I have watch individuals try to collectively cooperate to achieve intended results.

The concept is a simple concept, but the beauty and genius entirely and completely unknown to me before. Like black charcoals on a round barbecue grill, individually it may be quite impossible to ignite the type of fire that would heat up the grill, but collectively, the constant contact between charcoals, with a flame, the right amount of oxygen, and the right amount of lighter fluid, the formula for producing heat to cook on a grill is achieved.

If you make the connection, you see that individuals are like individual pieces of  charcoal, often hard to light or motivate on their own, but individuals, working together to reach similar results, are like coals bunched together, synergizing their efforts and are compounding the results.

The unemployment meetings I have attended are unlike most meetings however. No one is selling anything to each other or trying to sell anything to each other. They are also not really in a position to hire anyone, so it is not like a job fair. In reality, it is a lot like a support group that reciprocates information, referrals, and other contact information. And, having seen these groups in action for several years, I have seen amazing, unselfish results.

In fact the above mentioned Entrepreneurial launch pad was actually started by a few people who had been attending the unemployment meetings and realized that there was power in group participation, although i don't necessarily feel that the pure motives are the same. The reason I mention this about the launch pad or maybe other group meetings like this is, no matter how pure you want the motives to be, sometimes there is someone who attends who really wants to sell you something directly, get you to join their mlm, or even worse, may steal you business idea or invention, because you didn't have the contacts or the resources to do anything with you idea.

Online social networks are a powerful tool to connect people. From Twitter to Facebook to Instagram to Linkedin it feels like we are more connected to others than we used to be. But I wonder if this level is more superficial than substantive. How strong are our friendships? How good are our connections? How long lasting are our relationships?  How many people can you call when you need something or when you are really in trouble?

I have spent the past few days in deep contemplation about this subject  How good of a friend am I?  A few years ago, while going through a terrible divorce, I started my own support group called Brothers Helping Brothers. It wasn't affiliated with my church, my line of work, or any other organization or group, it was simply for those having a hard time with the trial and transition.

Although I had been hosting the group for several years, within only a year of being single, I met a beautiful woman who I would eventually marry. Sadly I lost time and interest in the group and it faded from my priorities.  Even though the group had no part in lining me up with my wife, my single friends had helped me pick up the pieces of my life and move forward. Although my Facebook is still linked to many of my friends, I wonder how strong my contacts really are.

Naturally, over the course of our lives, our friendships shift and change. We make friends in school, then graduate and lose contact. We make friends at work, change jobs and lose contact. We make friends in wards, on missions and then, even though we don't intend to, we lose closeness and contact.

Perhaps the answer to my question is a simple one: my friendships are only as strong as the friend that I am. If I am a true friend or a good friend or a loyal friend, I will get what I give. In the end, my friendships will be a reflection of the person I have become; they will reflect who I am.

Maybe Casper the Friendly Ghost put it best when he said, "A friend in need is a friend indeed."

Zootopia

Zootopia comes out this weekend and I am really excited to see it! Although I don't know exactly what it is about, I'm going to give you my take on it.

The title "Zootopia" is a fun play on the word "utopia" which may have several definitions, but the one that comes to my mind is "perfect society". As you know the word society means a group of people, but in this story it is a group of animals, hence the word "zoo"!

What makes a great zoo is a large collection and diversity of animals that are different and unique from each other. What makes a great society are all those different animals, working together, in harmony, for things to run perfectly.

My family unit is like a little society with eight different kinds of people. And, if you add step family and extended family and in laws, you get a real zoo of diversity. It is almost as if every member of the family could, in fact, represent a different kind of animal.

Now each animal has a different make up and each behaves differently. We may want the lions to act like dogs and zebras to act like cats but lions will be lions and zebras will be zebras. The challenge for any society is to create order and organization in such away that society is regulated without eliminating diversity.

My father, Grandpa Karl, may seem slow like a sloth, now, and a shadow of his former self due to old age and health issues, but he is really a gifted man who earned a PhD in Psychology. He spent years studying organizational psychology which is, in a nutshell, the world at work. He even use to call it "the world at work"

Now, in the world at work, as my father used to say, there are three main areas of focus: Decision Making, Problem Solving and Project Completing.

So it is with us. Each of us have decisions to make, problems to solve, and projects to complete. The challenge is how we include and interact with the other animals, in our society, to get things done.

Grandpa Karl went on to introduce me to the Fabulous Five Facilitators.

Holder
Modeler
Helper
Sharer
Soloer

A facilitator is one who facilitates interaction between two or more parties or people. And these five were the areas of facilitation: holding, modeling, helping, sharing, soloing.

A holder, for example, like a cross walk guard, he or she holds back traffic so students can cross the road. A helper helps you do something, but doesn't do it for you. For example, you might get help with homework, but the helper doesn't do it for you. A modeler, like an art teacher or piano teacher, models the desired behavior and then has you do it on your own. Sharing works like this: when we share we do something together and both people equally act together. When we solo, we just do something on our own without anyone else. Showering is an excellent example of something you want to do on your own.

Some people, however, want to do everything on their own without contact or responsibility to others. But society just doesn't work that way. Someone grows and harvests the food you eat, makes the clothes you wear and the car you drive, extracts the oil and gas from the earth, you use, creates and supplies electricity, manufactures building materials and buildings, and a host of other goods and services, and relies on you and I to do our own part.

The hardest thing about having a utopia, or perfect society, is being on the same page with others because people are so different.

Dr Karl made a list of questions to help with this. As a small boy I learned and memorized the list, from my father, and I still remember the list today.

1. What are you trying to make someone do?

2. What could happen?

3. What is wanted (what do you want? What does the other person want?)

4. Why?

5. What is valued?

6. What is being done to get what is wanted?

7. How is it going?

8. What is being learned?

9. What is being celebrated?

The first question, alone, is very telling. What are you trying to make someone do? Can you really make someone do something?

In life, sometimes force is necessary, but it is usually the hardest thing to do and least effective way to do it. For centuries, governments and societies have been run by fear and force, but the lives of many were miserable. Sadly, guns are the most familiar tool used to make someone do something.

But, as difficult as it may appear, the rule of law is still important and some laws will be strictly enforced. (Think about TSA at an airport)

As you go down the list of questions you soon discover that facilitating results is a difficult task.

Try changing the question a little.

What are you trying to ask someone to do?

What could happen?

What is wanted (what do you want? What does the other person want? or Is that what they really want?)

Why?

What is valued?

What is being done to get what is wanted?

How is it going?

What is being learned?

What is being celebrated?

From the two lists of questions we realize that there really is a difference between asking and making.

As facilitators we can encourage or we can enforce. Sometimes we have to do one or the other.

We can request or we can demand. Sometimes both are required.

We can influence or we can incarcerate.

We can persuade or we can pressure.

It would be easy to just say we should encourage, request, influence, or persuade without enforcing, demanding, incarcerating, or pressuring, but, if the first options don't work, we are only left with the alternatives.

The secret is to ask yourself this question: if I don't like being told what to do, am I doing things of my own free will and choice? What kind of member of zootopia am I?

It is better to ask for something, in the beginning, without threatening. Asking doesn't hurt and asking simply goes a long way.  And, decision making, problem solving, and project completing are accomplished, with greater harmony, when we are willing to participate, by just being asked.

Even better, without being asked.

I believe a utopia or "zootopia" is possible! Enjoy the show!

Lost Book

After picking up my daughter, Macee, last Friday, from school, I sensed that she was distressed about something so I ask her what was wrong. She said she felt sick inside because she could not find a book her class had been reading and she needed to turn in her copy. Macee said she remembered taking the book to school but couldn't find it in her locker and wondered if her locker partner had grabbed her copy instead.

I told her not to worry about it, but it bugged her so much all weekend that we went to school early, Monday morning, so Macee could search her mothers car and the Centerville house before she went to school.

After searching through the house, Macee came out of the house with tears running down her checks. I told her not to worry about the book, that we could just buy another one. Macee insisted that her teacher would get mad at her and she just had a strong feeling her locker partner took the book.

On the way to school Macee asked if we could search the car. So we stopped in a parking lot and searched. We didn't find the book, but we did decide to pray to find it. I said a short prayer, asking for help in finding the book, that the Spirit would touch her locker partner in such a way that, if she had taken it, that Macee's locker partner would realize that she had accidentally taken the wrong book.

Within just a few minutes, and just as we arrived at the school, Macee's locker partner texted Macee and announced the she did, in fact, have Macee's book, that she had mistakenly taken it, and that her book was the one that was lost.

As Macee got out of the car, I saw the relief on Macee's face and, although I was happy for my daughter, I told her to remember that sick feeling she had inside, how awful she felt when she thought her book was lost and how awful her locker partner must be feeling now.

I was happy to find out later that Macee's locker partner bravely approached her teacher to tell the teacher about the lost book, only to discover that someone else had turned in the lost book to the teacher.

Although it was a simple thing to pray for, it reaffirmed, to me, the power of prayer. It also reminds us that sorrow is real, and that the sick feeling we sometimes feel inside can be replaced by the sweet feeling of hope.

Sometimes the pain and suffering, we feel, are longer and stronger than we anticipated, but perhaps that is what makes us appreciate moments of relief all the more.

Even in the most basic and trivial of circumstances, we can still call upon the Savior and feel the peace of His presence.