Monday, March 13, 2017

The Power of Composure


Well the NCAA Tournament is here! And, for me, it is the Olympics of College Basketball! I love college basketball as much as I love the Olympics, maybe more!!

Athletes are amazing to watch, especially Olympic athletes. Each is the perfect embodiment of dedication and commitment to their sport. Talent, alone, has not brought them to the pinnacle of their individual performance: their performance is the quintessence of hard work and practice.

But the strength of an athlete isn't merely in his or her physical prowess. Nor is it the God-given talent they have or the phenomenal way they have reached greatness. True, hard work and practice are essential, but hard work and practice are only a portion of the equation.

There is another, equally powerful, skill they have acquired, in their pursuit of an Olympic Gold, or a seat at the Final Four, that has made them who they are.

In order to succeed, athletes have acquired something more than physical ability: they have acquired the power of composure.

I once had a boss council me that, when dealing with certain interpersonal aspects of my job, that I should "stay above the fray". I have remembered that phrase ever since: stay above the fray. It doesn't just rhyme nicely, it has deep meaning.

When we think about something that frays, we may picture the edge of a fabric that begins to unravel as it becomes worn. Constant rubbing on cheaper fabrics wears at the edges, until eventually, the cross fibers of the fabric begin to fray.

Perhaps a more dramatic example of this can be seen in ropes or cords. The strength of a rope isn't found in each individual string that composes the rope, but in the compounding effect of each string, being joined with the others and intertwined together, to create a stronger cord. Like the edge of the fabric, the end of the cord or rope is where the potential of fraying takes place.

But there is another, less familiar definition or use of the word "fray". A search of the dictionary uncovers this fine definition: "Fray" (of a person's nerves or temper) show the effects of strain.

This type of fray has to do with emotional strain. Words associated with this definition of fray are strain, tax, burden, put on edge, strained, fraught, tense, edgy and even stressed.

An additional use of the word "fray" is found in phrases like "join the fray" or "jump into the fray." These phrases are usually connected to descriptions of arguments that have turned into scuffles. The fray, in these instances, refers to participation in the confusion of a fight or a struggle, where order has been lost.

All of these definitions of fray seem very applicable to the concept of composure. The composition of material used to make fabric or rope, is tightly bound together to produce a reinforced result. The rope or fabric loses its composure, if you will, when it begins to fray at the edges.

A strain on a person's nerves or temper, that can cause a person to fray, is the complete opposite of composure, it is strain on composure or the lack of composure. It is when someone finally loses their composure.

And the mayhem of a fray that can be brought on when the emotions of a group boil over, as in a brawl on a basketball court or a fist fight at a hockey rink, shows the result of players being pushed over the edge of composure.

Part of the intensity of Olympic sports is more than just the matching of the world's best, of any given sport, against each other. The intensity of the Olympics includes the pressure of being on the world stage and the stakes involved. People tend to break under pressure.

Composure is often thought of as a form of self-control. In fact, one of the definitions of the word composure is "in control of oneself."

While self-control is often associated with the word composure, an original use of this word, first recorded in the 1600's, is a "sense of tranquility and calmness." A modern definition of the word composure includes this portion of the definition. Composure: the state or feeling of being calm.

Sometimes, when governments or societies begin to lose control, they attempt to tighten control, by force, to regain control. Gaining control by force, while sometimes necessary, is the type of knee-jerk reaction, however, that may cause an Olympic athlete to lose even more control. The pressure that breaks composure in the first place, can be even more emotionally aggravated by the tenseness associated with gaining control by force.

It seems almost counter-intuitive that the way to keep composure and control, in many tense situations is, more often than not, to relax.

Focusing our energy on calming down and relaxing, instead of tensing up, is where the power of composure exists. And it is a learned skill, not merely developed in the intensity of a moment, but by small and simple means, over time.

In fact, staying above the fray is a statement that is meant to be more preventative than curative. Like going upstream to resolve upstream emotional issues, going above the fray of the fabric or rope, to address, early on, the possibility of fraying, helps prevent fraying in the first place.

This concept of addressing something "early on" reminds me of a phrase found in scriptures. "Reproving betimes with sharpness" (D & C 121:43)

With more exciting words like "reproving" and "sharpness" that are found in this scripture, it might be easy to overlook a more subtle word found in that verse. The word is "betimes".

I first learned the deeper meaning of the word "betimes" when I heard Elder Neal A Maxwell explain, in a conference talk, years ago, that the meaning of the word betimes is "early on". Reproving or correcting, early on, is definitely a way of staying above the fray.

Another interesting word  is "whipping". When it isn't associated with the whipping of cream, the word "whipping" has a controversial and negative meaning in today's society. It is often associated with corporal punishment or spanking, and I am sure, over the centuries, many a father may have lost composure and control while trying to whip a child into shape.

But boy scouts learn a different meaning of the word "whipping" and it is much more in line with Elder Maxwell's emphasis on reproving early on.

Boy Scouts learn different techniques of preventing fraying when learning about knots and ropes. One of the solutions to the problem of fraying is called "whipping." A boy scout knows if the end of a rope isn't taken care of, the rope will untwist and fray and lose strength. You could even say the rope will "loose" strength because the strings will become too loose.

To solve this problem the boy scout uses tiny thread or twine and "whips" the end of the rope. To do this, he first forms a loop, then "whips" or wraps the thread or twine around and around the end of the rope to create a neat, tight binding. Then he pulls the working end of the thread or twine through the loop and pulls hard on the other end of the thread or twine. By tightening the small thread, early on, above the fray, the boy scout preserves the strength of the rope. After the rope has been "whipped", the scout cuts off the loose frayed ends. (Perhaps that is where phrase "tying up some loose ends" comes from.)

When it comes to fabric, the way a seamstress ties up loose ends on the fabric is to sew a hem near the edge of the fabric. The most durable hem that a seamstress can use is called a "serged hem", or an "overlocked hem". This is the kind of hem you find in most store-bought clothes.

The serged hem or overlocked hem uses three or four threads in its stitching and is best completed with a special sewing machine called a serger. The serger even has a blade that trims the fabric along the serged hem.

But gaining and keeping composure includes more than just tying up loose ends so they don't fray. Composure requires more of a balance. It is more of a balancing act. When we lose composure or try to regain composure, we sometimes over react towards the polar opposite of how we initially reacted, and, like a driver who accidentally veers too far in the wrong direction, we may tend to over-correct our behavior and end up too far in the other direction. These extremes are passive aggressive extremes.

Perhaps we are more familiar with the term aggressive than we are passive. The aggressive extreme is an extreme where anger, yelling, and sometimes physical violence may occur. When we lose our cool and "flip out" we may express ourselves aggressively with our words, actions, and other nonverbal behavior. Usually, to the outsider, it is clear that we have lost our composure.

The passive extreme, however, is harder for someone else to identify because instead of exploding on the outside, when we lose our composure, the passive extreme is more of an implosion on the inside. When we lose our composure and hold it in, we may think we are still in control, but we have lost composure: we have over corrected and have veered too far to the opposite extreme.

The passive extreme includes a coldness, an entire shut down of emotions, the silent treatment, and a cold shoulder. Sometimes when people lose composure, they start crying. And, in order to avoid sobs and tears, an overreaction occurs: an emotional shut down as a way of dealing with emotions. But, instead of dealing with emotions, a person may flush all emotions out of the system and become cold, hard, and indifferent. Apathy, then, is the ultimate passive extreme.

Keeping composure is like the tight-rope walker, with a pole, trying to keep balance. On one extreme end of the pole you have the passive behavior and on the other extreme end, you have the aggressive behavior. Walking a tight-rope is a learned skill, and if the tight-rope walker overcorrects, balance is lost and a fall is imminent.

With these pole opposites, or polar opposites, in mind, consider the following quote:

The opposite of love is not hate, but apathy and indifference.

Take a look at Section 121 of the Doctrine and Covenants. Start with the familiar scripture "Many are called but few are chosen"(see D & C 121:34)

Now change some of the words in the scripture to better understand composure.

" Behold, there are many who lose composure because few have balance. And why do they not have balance?

Because their hearts are set so much upon the things of this world, and aspire to the honors of men, that they do not learn this one lesson—

that the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness.

That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man." (D & C 121:35-37)

The phrase "exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness" comports with the idea that when people lose composure they usually resort to one of the two overreactions: anger or despondency and both of these over corrections have a controlling effect on those around them, especially spouse and children.

Continuing, "Behold, ere he is aware, he is left unto himself, to kick against the pricks, to persecute the saints, and to fight against God." (D & C 121:38)

"kick", "persecute," and "fight", these words accurately describe when a person loses composure.

Further, "We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion. (D & C 121:39)

Hence many lose composure, but few have balance. (see D & C 121:40)

Now pay attention to the following words about calmness and balance. "No power or influence can or ought to be maintained . . . only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;

By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—" (D & C 121:41-42)

And now we are back to our reproving scripture, a scripture that is perhaps the most perfect scripture on balance that I know of. It balances reproof with increased love.

"Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;" That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death. (D & C 121:43-44)

Recall the above sentence about love: The opposite of love is not hate, but apathy and indifference. Love perfectly mitigates the extremes of anger and apathy.

"Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven.

The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever." (D & C 121:45-46)

This portion of Section 121 reveals a lot about human nature, but it includes many profound solutions, including solutions regarding composure.

If you are going to be an athlete, and not just an Olympic athlete, an athlete at any level of sport, (including ward basketball), then just as important as the physical skill set you need to acquire to perform or compete, the mental/emotional skill set, that includes composure, is just as important, essential, and critical, as the physical fundamentals you are attempting to perfect.

In fact, maybe we lose composure because we get too caught up in the game.

When we are wound up we need to learn to calm down and relax. Calming down and relaxing doesn't mean that we don't work as hard or stop trying to excel. It also doesn't mean that we emotionally give up, stop caring, or surrender either. It simply means that we balance our energy and efforts with a calm composure. Perhaps, when we relax, we find the fun it what we once enjoyed. It may mean that we laugh more and perhaps give ourselves more freedom and permission to laugh at ourselves and find the silver lining of humor in the mistakes we have made.

It may also mean we stop and take a break or "time out" when things really begin to boil over.

It may simply mean that we take a deep breath, say a quiet prayer, and remember that sometimes we fall down, simply to learn, how to pick ourselves up when we do.

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