Is Marriage Doomed?

In the 25 years since I returned home from my mission, I watched too many of the closest people in my life experienced the devastation of divorce. Two were life long childhood friends, two were close missionary companions who I stayed in contact with after my mission. Two included my own brother and a brother in law. Another two were my Aunt and her daughter. And two more were in my ward, one was my home teacher and the other was someone who I was assigned to home teach.

Think of all the people who you know personally, whose lives have been decimated by divorce. Of course divorce didn’t cause the marriage malfunction. Divorce was the result of an apparently irreparably broken marriage. But in my own situation, many of my close friends and family members may have been a part of the cause of the divorce, but deep down inside they didn’t really want a divorce.

I too understand, in a painful and personal way, the problems with marriage malfunctions. After 18 years of marriage, my marriage is headed towards divorce.

If you have gone through a divorce, or have faced the prospects of a divorce, or maybe you are currently dealing with major problems in your marriage, I can empathize with many whose marriages are headed towards a catastrophic end.

Is marriage doomed?

Here are some important statistics to consider:

According to the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology

50% percent of first marriages end in divorce.

67% of second marriages end in divorce.

74% of third marriages end in divorce.

Here is another interesting statistic:

In the United States, at least 66 percent of all divorced couples are childless.

The annual divorce rate in Utah is 7.94 percent, or 77,291 divorced men.

Here is another statistic. It's a startling number: 1 in 4 women surveyed by the government say they were violently attacked by their husbands or boyfriends.

One last statistic: 67 percent of Americans "remain overwhelmingly optimistic about the institution of marriage and the family." While 39 percent say that marriage is becoming obsolete.

So why are so many marriages failing? Why are so many couples resorting to divorce to solve their problems?

There are hundreds of reasons why people get a divorce. Because every one is unique and faces a set of unique challenges it is almost impossible to come up with a list that fits every couples situation. And there are surfaces reasons for a divorce, and deeper reasons often below the surface.

Some of the reasons for divorce are as follows:

Expectation Problems

Communication Problems

Money: financial problems

Sex

Infidelity

Emotional affairs

Childless

Child rearing

In-laws or other family problems

Addictions

Pornography

False ideas from romance novels

Mental Instability or Mental Illness

Controlling Behavior

Childhood hang-ups

Sexually abused as a child

Homosexuality

Abuse: Physical abuse, Verbal abuse, Sexual abuse Emotional abuse of spouse

Overwhelmed with life’s challenges

Friends

Internet relationships

Birth Order

Inability to resolve conflict

Time Investment

Lack of Commitment

Differences in career goals

Hobbies

Lifestyle differences

But most of these are the surface issues. And with surface issues it is easy to point fingers and blame your spouse for the problems. It is also easy to build up a wall of resent because of the past problems. Perhaps the deeper problems are personal problems to you. Consider these reasons for divorce:

You let pride get in the way.

You have sins you are hiding and need to repent of.

You always have to be right.

You’re dishonest.

You are selfish.

You don’t respect your partner.

You don’t like or respect yourself.

You don’t do what you say you are going to do.

You have temper problems you can’t control.

You have emotional problems you don’t recognize or won’t admit to.

You are disenchanted with your spouse.

You’re disappointed in your spouse.

The key word in this list is You. You need to be the one to change. You need to face your faults and start the process of changing. Instead of looking for a better person, be a better person.

It may not save your marriage but it's really the first place to start.

So how do I fix me?

Problems in a marriage are usually the result of behavior problems. Look at the lists. Notice how many of the issues are tied to the way you think and the way you act.

The way you think and the way you act are governed by belief. More often than not belief governs behavior. In fact divorce is based on beliefs. Beliefs that the marriage can’t be saved. Beliefs that the bad things in the marriage outweigh the good.

The way a man interacts and relates to a woman is based on his mindset not hers. He believes he knows what he wants and knows what a woman wants and those beliefs govern his behavior.

The ideal relationship is based on mutual attraction, mutual beliefs, and cooperation, not on misinformed ideas and beliefs. Because mindset governs motives and manners, the correct information is the key. The foundation of a marriage must be based on the same core anchors. Without the same core values, standards, beliefs, and desires, the chances of a marriage failing is almost certain.